Tuesday 1 April 2014

'Tick' and 'Cross' Days

Last week I accidentally slept in till 8:30am. After staggering into the lounge room with one eye still shut, I found my (almost) five year old daughter, watching Uma Thurman, in "Kill Bill", whilst working her way through an entire packet of milk arrowroot biscuits.

Yep. Not my finest parenting moment.

I quickly changed the channel and pried the packet out of her sticky little hands, but I felt terrible, and it got me thinking...is there a stage where we as parents should just admit defeat? I mean, is there a point where you just need to throw up your hands, and admit you've totally stuffed it all up? That you have no idea what you're doing? And when should that moment be?

Is it when your six month old won't stop crying, no matter what you do? Or when your two year old keeps getting out of bed at night? What about if your three year old is throwing tantrums every time you venture past the front door...Is it then? Maybe it's if you get called to the school because your eight year old stole their best friend's wrist watch? Or could it be if your teenager slams the door and turns up their music, whenever life doesn't go their way?

Do these things imply that you're a bad parent, or that your child is a banshee? I know sometimes it feels that way. Some days it's so easy to look at our children's behaviours and wonder where we've gone wrong. It can be so deflating. But something I really believe to be true is this...my bad days do not define me as a parent, just as my child's bad days do not define them.

And here's how I know...

We keep guinea pigs. A totally random thing to say, but stick with me. Ever since my eldest daughter was about three, we've had a cage or two of 'piggies' in the backyard. They're an easy pet to keep, and we go all gooey when they have their adorable little babies. The interesting thing about these little fluff balls is that they're literally born 'ready to go'. They are covered in fur, already have teeth, and can eat grass and vegetables just like mum and dad. Sure, mum does feed them herself for a little while, but aside from those two or three weeks, they don't need to be around their parents at all. They just know instinctively what to do to survive, and off they go into the big wide world.

There's a good reason why most people are careful about when, or if, they become a parent. Unlike guinea pigs, human babies are not born 'ready to go'. We mums and dads have to keep them close, not just for a couple of weeks, but for a couple of decades...and two decades is a bloody long time! Also, we aren't usually raising rodents, we're raising little people with unique personalities, temperaments, and ideas. Chances are that our human offspring are not always going to be perfect, because, hey, if they were they wouldn't need us. Parents are there for reason. We actually have to work at this parenting gig. And you know what, I really don't think we can expect to be perfect for the entirety of two decades. We get tired, and angry or even indifferent at times. We're not always gonna get it right.

I really think being a good parent is a lot more than the result of a single act. Whether that be good or bad. You don't just get to pull your best 'bit' out of a hat and declare yourself awesome. Likewise, stuffing up occasionally doesn't mean you've failed. As for your little one, the chances are they are NOT going to end up a mass murderer just because they've spent the last 3 months pulling the dog's ears and tail. Does this behaviour require some action from a parent? Sure! But it doesn't define that child. They're growing, they're learning. They aren't 'ready to go'. That's why you're there!

A couple of years back, when I was trying to lose a bit of weight, I remember being reminded of how people would often give up on a healthy eating plan if they ate something they shouldn't. Even if they'd eaten well for an entire month, they'd just throw it all in because they'd had a Mars Bar. The article displayed a grid to illustrate the eating habits of the people who had successfully lost weight. There was a square allocated for every day. If the person had eaten healthfully, they ticked that day's box. If they hadn't, then they marked it with a cross. The interesting thing is that the ones who had lost the most weight, had plenty of crosses. Heaps of them! But here's the thing...THEY JUST MADE SURE THEY HAD MORE TICKS!

I see parenting almost exactly the same way.

I believe most of us start off with the best of intentions. We love our kids more than life itself. We research and read up about child development, and parenting philosophies. We make them healthy meals, and ensure they're getting enough exercise. We talk to them, play with them, and read to them. We try to shape their character by being good role models, and by teaching them right from wrong. We expose them to stimulating environments and experiences. But life's not always sunshine and roses, and things don't always go to plan. Sometimes we lose our shit, and have mummy meltdowns, and sometimes our kids decide to act like they've been raised by a pack of wolves...usually in public where as many people can see them as possible. They're good like that.

Many, many days we declare ourselves failures, and slap ourselves with the big red X. But shouldn't we just ease up on ourselves...and our kids for that matter? I mean, how much better would we feel if we just got rid of the notion of ever being perfect, and we simply decided to show up and do our best? Imagine how much more peaceful and calm we would be. I really believe that at the end of each day, if our kids are still alive, happy, thriving and connected, we can safely assume they've been exposed to more 'tick days' than 'cross days'.

Don't you think?

Now, to hide that remote control and lock that pantry...


My youngest daughter with our mummy and daddy guinea pigs

4 comments:

  1. Hi Davina, I don't think I've come across your blog before so it's lovely to "meet" you :-)

    Oh, and I couldn't agree more - we need to keep the bigger picture in mind when it comes to parenting! My first child was very biddable and eager to please - we congratulated ourselves on being such awesome parents to have such a wonderful child. Then along came our daughter - you guessed it - headstrong and determined, the Queen of Tantrums!

    They are now 17 and almost 20, and turned out great - despite a couple of epic parenting fails along the way LOL ... you can read more here if you're interested ... http://www.middleagedmama.com.au/more-bad-mummy-moments/

    Visiting today from #teamIBOT xxx

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  2. Thanks Janet, it's great to meet you too! I'll check out that blog post for sure! xx

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  3. Yep I think so very much! As for the Kill Bill & biscuits..well a girls gotta live!! Uma was great in that!

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  4. This post was all kinds of awesome! I love the idea of just working to have more ticks than crosses. But even go further, and just because you have one moment in a day, it doesn't mean the whole day is a complete right off! It's ok to say sorry and start again. I find myself doing that all the time!!

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