I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s - an era when ‘good mothers’ did it all. They had immaculate homes, put beautiful meals on the table, sewed adorable clothes for their kids, gave their husbands awesome sex, always looked perfect – hair done, makeup on, slim figure – and sometimes even had a part time job. It was almost entirely appearance based though, because my own family, as well as those of my friends, were far from what they seemed on the outside. Mothers were frazzled, depressed and overwhelmed. Husbands were distant and grumpy. Parents cared more about the façade than they did about the actual health of their brood. Emotional, intellectual and spiritual wellbeing were so often neglected. As long as children behaved, homes were clean, dad had a job and mum looked the part - that’s all that mattered.
But honestly people, what a crock of absolute shit.
Now, I’m not saying it’s easy to start caring for yourself when you’re used to putting everyone else first; It’s bloody hard to pull away and disentangle yourself from thoughts that plague you, telling you to be selfless, compliant and uncomplaining. It’s more of a journey than a destination. At least it is for me.
I started trying to take a different route the moment my first child was born, but it wasn’t as easy as I anticipated. It’s taken a long time, and many tough choices, but I feel like I’m getting there, and gaining a certain amount of freedom. I haven't even come close to 'arriving', but I'm more happy than I've ever been. And the number one thing I’ve learnt is this – to be the best mother I can be I have to set my mind on being the best woman I can be, and this means taking care of who I am.
I have to say ‘no’ sometimes. Actually, I have to say ‘no’ A LOT. This is a bit controversial, especially to those still strapped to the roller coaster of martyrdom. They tell me I’m selfish. They ask me how I find the time. They say they can’t possibly do the things I do. And you know what? My heart goes out to them. And their kids. You see, when I chat to my kids about things like this I’ll notice their animated happy faces when they talk about how things are now, and watch their expressions change when they recall the stress of our house 10 years ago.
Sure, back then everything "looked" perfect. My house NEVER had a thing out of place. My linen cupboard was a thing of beauty, and smelled divine. My meals were well thought out, and always on the table on time. I baked most days. I walked 4km every day - rain hail or shine - and if my size 10 shorts got a little tight I’d be straight on a diet. I had a perfect garden. I went to church every Sunday morning while my kids attended Sunday school. I went to 2 bible studies every week and various luncheons with my church friends and their kids. I went to parenting seminars and read tomes on relationship building with my spouse. My life was one big, perfect routine. I was living the dream. THIS was what I’d been told I was made for.
But do you know what? I was 150% un-fucking-happy.
My anxiety levels were through the roof, I disliked my friends, my relationship sucked, I was hungry every second of the day, and burnt out to the extreme. Often I would relieve my frustrations by throwing random objects at the wall, or rolling myself into a heaving, sobbing ball of depression while my children looked on. It was beyond ugly.
I don’t wanna dwell on that though. Even reliving it now, briefly in my memory, makes me feel ill. It was a state I never wish to return to. I know not every mum is depressed, and certainly not to the extent that I was, but many ARE very unhappy, and the one thing that seems universal amongst them is that they believe it’s selfish to think about their our needs. This was the number one thing I needed to change in my situation if I was to get better, and the number one thing the majority of mothers I know need to change.
It’s okay to be a little bit selfish people!!
Does that mean you neglect you family? Don’t feed or dress them? Let them live in squalor or eat tinned food every night? Of course not! But maybe it does mean things like this:
- You can feel okay about hiring a movie YOU like, rather than always what the rest of the family prefers
-You can let your bottom grow a size or two bigger than other people are used to, so that you can actually enjoy your food rather than fearing it
-You can stop wearing makup if it pisses you off. Or start! Whatever floats your boat
- You can tell your husband what YOU like in the bedroom
- You can insist that your teenager catch a bus instead of always relying on you driving them
- You can get that tattoo you’ve wanted for the past 5 years even though someone in your life might not approve.
- You can refuse to spend time with friends or family who are toxic
- You can read a book, take a walk, have a bath, even if it means saying ‘no’ to your family for a short period of time
- You might decide you don’t have time to clean your floor before a visitor arrives. Instead you could unapologetically leave your child’s craft over the entire surface, and provide no excuses (that’s my favourite)
You get the idea.
Should you do these things, or similar, because you are more important than everyone else? Nope. You should do them because you are JUST AS important as everyone else. You should do them because if you don’t, you will quite literally be useless to everyone else. We need to look after ourselves, my beautiful mummy friends, so we can look after others. Parenting is about sacrifice, yes, but it’s not about sacrificing everything, and it’s most definitely not about giving up on who you are. You’re still a person. Nuture yourself occasionally.
No comments:
Post a Comment